I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
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Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Doggies just call it style.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”