me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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Heroic Misunderstanding
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
me and the Superbowl rn
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.