*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
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who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”