I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!