All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
asking santa clause for nudes
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”