People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
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Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me: