Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
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[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Quadruple digit IQ
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something