My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I want this so bad
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.