If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
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Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Just why bro?!
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.