Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
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You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.