the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Cause of death: Zumba
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
i will avenge u mr van gogh
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up