My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me