“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.