“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
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Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
X-tra spooky blend
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix