Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Bringing home a sharpie
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled