Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
You Might Also Like
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.