馃ぃcould you imagine
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The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I鈥檓 not paying you
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
We鈥檙e lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I鈥檝e been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Men鈥檚 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Sand doesn鈥檛 even taste bad it鈥檚 just the texture
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?