Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Happy Caturday!
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.