STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
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I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
DOOO EEEET
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me