People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Everything reminds me of my ex
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills