Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”