Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”