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Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ