The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
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Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today鈥檚 turkey.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won鈥檛 be responsible for my actions
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
007: the name鈥檚 bond鈥ames bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
This is so funny you can鈥檛 even be mad LOL
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 馃檪
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Me (to my husband): That鈥檚 not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It鈥檚 wrong.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 馃槶 yes
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I鈥檓 saving it for later.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.