1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
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Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.