Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
my dog when i have a friend over
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.