ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.