Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
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Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry