ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
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Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?