My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum