My favorite animal is fried chicken.
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.