ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I see your IQ test came back negative
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
channeling her this year
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.