ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
You Might Also Like
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!