*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
This made me chuckle cuz mood
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Two types of dogs.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
<- sleeps well with others