If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Put this video in the Louvre
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
🤣🤣