The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
You Might Also Like
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Sheep
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.