I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
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Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
your elf on the shelf was delicious
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”