the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
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There’s never enough good news
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.