[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.