Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
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Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you鈥檙e mad at your spouse.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it鈥檚 called a lemon
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What鈥檚 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
mentally somewhere in italy
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can鈥檛 fault that logic
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me: What鈥檇 you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Sounds about right. 馃槀馃ぃ
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET鈥橲 GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET鈥橲 PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It鈥檚 the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job