“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You Might Also Like
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?