*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
? 💀
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”