Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.