Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.