“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?