Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
You Might Also Like
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either