Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
You Might Also Like
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Software Development ⛵️
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.