Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
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Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.