If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.