Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.